Frankie, 19, NSW

I became suicidal because I both loved and hated my Mum.

My name is Frankie and I am a 19-year-old female survivor of parental abuse.

It wasn't until I was 14 years old that I realised something was wrong. My Mum is an alcoholic and used to abuse my brother and I.

Every now and then, it was physical, but mainly it was just verbal and emotional abuse. Most people think: 'I few harsh words cant hurt anyone' but when you get told every day for as long as you can remember that you are useless, selfish and your Mum wished you'd never been born because you have ruined her life, it makes things a bit hard.

We were expected to do the majority of the housework. When we hadnt completed jobs that she hadnt even asked us to yet, she would start on us again. It was as if her yelling never ended.

Being an alcoholic, Mum was always struggling with money. Some weeks, she would chose a carton over food two days before pay day and we wouldn't have lunch for school. My brother just used to ask his friends for food but I couldn't.

We never told anyone what we were going through. Our Mum still loved us. We didnt know this wasnt normal because she told us it was. We didnt want to get her into trouble.

I can remember from when I was as young as 6, I would find an isolated area of the playground and spend my lunchtimes crying. Things started to get really hard when I was around 10 and I was feeling low all the time. At 11, I started cutting, burning myself and scratching myself until I bled because I didnt know how else to deal with the pain.

When I went into high school, things got worse. By around year 9, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat, I cried through all my classes and hid my tears. I used to be the top of my classes and by this stage, I would do anything I could to get kicked out so no one would see my tears. I would run to the bathroom to hurt myself, which I was doing up to four times a day.

Around this same time, I met a new friend who started to realise what was going on. After about a year of crying at her house and her saving me from a suicide attempt, she encouraged me to go see the school counsellor. From there, I was referred to a counsellor at the hospital.

I wasnt able to talk about how I was feeling to the counsellor because it was too hard. I'd never learnt how to express myself. I told her that I hurting really bad, that I would hurt myself at least daily and that I was happy with the fact that I was bisexual but was flexible in my sexuality because I wasn't naive and knew I was only young. She told me that she didnt know how real my problems were because I wouldnt show her my scars and that my confusion about my sexuality made my feelings a hundred times worse. She also said that if I wouldnt talk and help myself, there was no point doing any more sessions. What they did tell me was that I had a generalised anxiety disorder and dysthymia, another name for chronic depression.

Hearing these things at 15 made me never want to get help again. My friend left school and I struggled alone with my feelings for almost two years, within which I had another close call with suicide.

Eventually, I wrote a note for the new school counsellor trying to explain what was going on and she was able to start getting me help.
My principal took me to the doctor, got me a referral to a psychologist and got me on medication. An amazing teacher sat with me at least once a week to help me plan my studies and my life to manage me cope with the stresses of my senior years.

Although I had some rough times with a few different medications and finding the right psychologist, with a few amazing people's help, I was able to get a pretty good mark at the end of year 12, allowing me to move away to do science at University.

Moving away was the best thing I ever did. I got space from my mum and was able to set the pace in our relationship. I'm still on my medication but am no longer seeing a psychologist or counsellor. I am self harm free for almost 18 months now, after 7 years of hurting myself, and am able to cope with the stresses of university life and a part time job.

I am now in my second year of university, with a distinction average in my science degree. I have a beautiful girlfriend and am happy to label myself a proud pansexual. We live in our own house with a puppy and two kittens. I am involved with my universitys "QueerSpace" and am currently completing my training to become a Lifeline telephone counsellor.

I hope to continue counselling, being a GLBTQIA advocate and transfer into medicine at the end of this year. I want to work in rural and remote communities, where substance abuse and mental health issues are more prevelent, in an attempt to help young people overcome the problems that I have faced.

Be brave, get help, it will be the best thing you will ever do for yourself. You are stronger than you realise.