Lucy, 20, NSW

Always left questioning why..

I was diagnosed with depression at 13 years old, after my friends at school had noticed I had been cutting myself. They then alerted a teacher, who contacted my mum. I hated them that day, and for years after, but if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I cannot pin point the moment I felt my life spin out of control, all I can remember is the very first time I cut myself and I felt everything just.. wash away. I had been cutting probably 6 months prior before anyone was aware of anything "abnormal". I was a normal pain in the ass 13 year old girl just hitting puberty according to anyone on the outside, but inside, I was a disaster waiting to happen.

At 13 years old I was self harming, shop lifting, stealing money from my parents, drinking and other substance abuse. Throwing a medication into the mix just made the drinking and drug affect so much better, and so much more dangerous, but of course this did not matter.

I attempted suicide 3 times in that one year, hospitalized 4 times in that year. One time I was forced to go in. It wasn't until I started a different type of anti depressants and counseling that things started to pick up. But, I was never 100% I would have moments of brilliance, great grades, socializing a lot, going out a lot, talking a lot, writing stories a lot, reading a lot just doing EVERYTHING! I then had moments of real depression, suicidal thoughts, attempts and self harming.

My family were and are so supportive through all the crap I have put them through, they just stood by and took the abuse, took me to my counselling appointments, picked up my scripts and just listened.

As I got older, the good times started to become really out of control I started drinking a lot, sleeping around, cheating on the current boyfriend, drug abuse, I wouldn't sleep, being 18 I had a credit card (which got me into a lot of debt).

It wasn't until February of this year, 19 years old and living with my partner of 3 years. We had a row and he walked out on me, I went ballistic, I was ready to pop, it was either kill someone, or kill myself I can remember those exact thoughts. I wrote letters to my family, to my boyfriend and to my best friend and took an overdose. If it wasn't for a neighbor who was also a close friend, hadn't come over and realized something was wrong, I wouldn't be here today. She immediately called my mum, and took me to the hospital. I spent 4 days in the psych ward at our local hospital. Here I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bi polar.

It wasn't until this diagnosis, and reading about bi polar, that I realized that all those moments of what I believed where "good" periods where actually "highs" and obviously the depression was the "lows". Its a scary diagnosis going from depression to being told one day you will be strong enough to go off medication to bi polar, pretty much having to rely on medication. Its just scary.

But the one question I am always left asking is why? What provoked it? I have been so lucky. I have an amazing family, who are incredibly supportive, I always struggled at school but never truly got bullied like some do, never abused in any way, there is no history of bi polar in my family that I can trace. My mum has suffered from reactive depression but thats all the mental health history in my family I know of.

But, that isn't a huge issue. For the first time in 7 years, I am happy, safe, calm and I hope finally a pleasure to be around! In the last 6 months I have taken some huge positive steps! But it's always just lurking over my shoulder, how long will this calm last?