lydia, 15, VIC
I definitely understand the frustration of not having anyone to talk to but, I can guarantee you, it.will.get.better.
It started in year 7, I was short and overweight and had a lisp. I know, haha. My sisters were always making fun of me... as were the kids at school. I had a select number of friends who were there for me, but it's high school, what is a friend anyway?... That was the start of my self esteem issues.
I had a big grow spurt in year 8 and slimmed down quite a bit, but I still saw myself as "mcfatty"... I stopped eating for weeks. It just made me weak and moody.
I was an honour student up until year 8 and then I started slacking off in school and drinking... I got kicked out of school in year 9 and failed all my classes. I recently changed to a bigger school thinking it was a great chance for a fresh start, but it made things worse. I went to the doctors for my severe mood swings (I would punch and kick holes in the walls (we have a new house too - that pleased mum heaps, aye). I would throw everything and anything. I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and agoraphobia (agoraphobia is a fear of going to shopping malls, schools, and big open spaces...which can cause social withdrawal). So that sucked.
I've been kicked out of my mum's house 4 times. I spent a few nights on the streets with no shoes on and the clothes on my back. I've been kicked out of my older sister's and my other sister's house. My dad wont let me live with him because of his new wife. (Fuck, I'm loved, aye? ahah.)
Latley I've turned to drinking and smoking... everynight with older guys... My boyfriend broke up with me via changing his relationship status to single and not speaking to me for days when I asked him what the fuck? And I've recently had fights with friends... soo, I wanted to die. I started self-harming. It wasnt the best idea. I didnt feel comfortable ringing Lifeline, so i went on chat instead.
I her about how my life was fucked and how I cut to make me feel better. She made me realize that hurting myself was a way to get my mind of things... I didn’t want to cut. I promised myself I never would.
That night, I looked myself in the mirror and just said "No"... The next day I cut and dyed my hair (possibly the only thing im talented at) and started to wear less makeup and eat again. I'm now at a healthy weight, so that's that sorted - haha.
I still smoke and drink, but only on weekends. I have and will never do drugs.
I definitely understand the frustration of not having anyone to talk to. When you get to that point, when you're so so angry or upset and just wanna break down and cry, that is the best time to seek help... just take deep breaths and talk... everything.will.be.ok