Grief is experienced in different ways by different people.
Young people may have different reactions to those of adults
because of their age and developmental stage, because the
consequences for them may be different, and because of their
family situation.
It can be particularly difficult for a young person to cope
with a loss that results from a disaster such as a flood or
bushfire. Disasters are usually unexpected, leaving people
little time to prepare. They can have widespread effects, not
only on the person experiencing the loss but also on support
networks of friends, family and community.
Dealing with the trauma of the disaster itself can be
challenging, but recovery is likely to be more difficult if
the person has lost friends or loved ones, or their home or
school. It can also make it harder for you as a parent or
carer to support your child through their grief if you have
also experienced loss or trauma.
There is no single 'right' way to respond to the loss of a
friend or loved one. There are a range of normal grief
reactions which you may notice in your child, including:
- Shock and disbelief that the person has died
- Longing for the person - wishing they were around, to be
able to touch them or be comforted by them
- Feelings of anger or resentment - for being abandoned, for
the unfairness of the loss, or towards those thought to be
responsible for the loss
- Feeling sad that the person has gone
- Guilt - for example that they were unable to save the
person, or that they survived while their loved one did
not
- Anxiety - about the future, how things will be without
their loved one around, or their own safety
- Preoccupation with thoughts of the person who has died
- Difficulty concentrating
- Changes to sleep patterns and appetite
Your child may act like they are not affected, or appear to
be unaffected and getting on with their life, which may cause
them guilt. Some choose to express their grief through rituals
or creative expression such as art or music, rather than
talking about it whichis healthy and normal.
Others may act out in more challenging ways, through
drinking, drug use or other risk-taking behaviours. Most young
people will be resilient and will carry on with their lives
while moving through the grieving process. For some, however,
the loss may create more serious mental health problems that
will require specialist assessment and treatment.
How to support your child in the grieving process
Families are extremely important in supporting a young
person who is grieving and helping them to deal with their
loss. Continuing your family life with as little interruption
as possible, as well as their social and school life, allows
your child to maintain a sense of safety and security, and to
feel hopeful about the future.
It can be particularly challenging for families to support
each other when a family member has died. Everyone will grieve
for the loss of their loved one in different ways, and may not
feel able to provide support while grieving themselves.
It is important to acknowledge that your children may
respond in ways that are difficult for you to understand. They
might respond with defiant or risk-taking behaviour - although
this might seem disruptive and frustrating to you, it may be
their way of coping and therefore require some
understanding.
Professional support for the whole family might be helpful
if you're finding it difficult to support each other through a
loss. Some other strategies that may be helpful in
supporting your child:
- Acknowledge their loss and the need to take time to grieve
- Provide information about normal patterns of grief
- Encourage continued participation in enjoyable
activities such as sports or hobbies, and family
activities
- Support your child in gathering stories and memories of
the loved one in ways that appeal to your child - such as
writing, photos, journals, talking, blogs or memorials
- Help your child to anticipate times that may be
particularly difficult, such as Christmas or anniversaries,
and develop a plan for managing these periods
- Help your child find meaning in what has happened and
foster a sense of hope for the future
Complicated grief
'Complicated grief' describes grief which continues at a
high level and affects the young person's functioning for at
least six months. Young people experiencing complicated grief
may display:
- Ongoing, intense yearning for the person who has died
- Anger or guilt
- Difficulties in their relationships
- Disruptions to their daily functioning, such as
problems with concentration, memory, sleeping, eating,
or performance at school or work
They may also experience symptoms of other mental health
problems including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress
disorder, or even thoughts of suicide.
These problems can be treated, but they require a proper
assessment by a health professional.
If your child is reporting suicidal thoughts or plans to
harm themselves, or you feel concerned for their safety, it's
important to seek immediate help. Contact your local mental
health service, CATT team or hospital emergency department,
and stay with them until they can be seen by a mental health
worker.
Supporting your child in seeking help
The grieving process can take time, and it is not unusual
for young people to experience ups and downs over months
or years while dealing with the death of a loved one.
Generally, people find that things get easier as time passes,
and will experience more good times and less difficult times.
However, if your child's grief is persistent and severe,
getting help early can reduce the effects on their life and
improve the chances of a full recovery.
It is important to support your child in finding a health
professional such as a GP or counsellor who they trust and
feel comfortable with. If they have had a positive experience
with a family GP or another health professional in the past,
encourage them to contact them again. You could also support
them to contact your local community health centre or headspace
centre.
Acknowledgements
Raphael, B. (2010), 'Children, Adolescents and Families: Grief
and Loss in Disaster', Australian Child & Adolescent Trauma,
Loss & Grief Network, Australian National University,
Canberra.
ReachOut Australia
This information was produced thanks to the generous support
of the Victorian Bushfire Appeal Fund and has been developed in
collaboration with the Victorian Department of Health